I realized as I was reading Belle's latest posts that she and many others here on the stream leave me in awe of their courage. To truly examine your life with such honesty is one thing, but to be able to write openly about it is another.
But what's so awesome about it is the fact that to be able to expose and write about the most protected parts of ourselves is not only a huge step in purging the darkness that dwells inside, but it also allows those who are reading those words to identify and gain the courage to examine our own soft underbellies.
I continue to be blown away by just how many women here on the stream that have been raped and abused. If there is anyone that doubts the fact that it's an epidemic, then they are living with blinders on.
It's long been a preconceived notion that men carry their burdens silently whereas women are more able to talk about their emotions and burdens. Well, I say just look around you here on this very stream at the vast amount of women that have carried deep scars for years and have spend endless energy at protecting those scars from the view of even their closest and trusted family members and friends.
What's worse is that they spend years or even lifetimes trying to bury the scars so deep that they themselves can forget about them, only to find that the pain has never left them and affects their lives every day. And that pain will always resurface to haunt them. The only true way to purge the pain and scars is to face them head on. I see that happening all around me here on the stream and as Biggie T said in his comment to Belle that part of his "formula" involves being honest with himself. He definitely has the right idea, and it sounds so simple and I agree that it's something we all have to do in order to live a happy and fulfilled life. But it seems the simplest, most imperative things are often the hardest to do. Especially when we've spent so much of our energy lying to ourselves by trying to convince ourselves and the world that we're "okay". I can certainly identify with the "Ice Princess" and know that I have also spent a lot of my life the same way.
Thankfully, I can say I'm one of the lucky ones in the fact that I've never been raped. And I wonder sometimes that if every woman in the world was able to openly admit to the fact that they have been, we that haven't would find ourselves a part of the minority.
But I have to say that every time one of you write about your own horrible experiences, it gives someone else that is reading your words the courage to do the same. You are an inspiration and I think each and every one of you are awesome!
Abuse is another thing. I remember vividly an experience I had at the age of 14. My mother had remarried to a man that was both physically and emotionally abusive to her. They came home from yet another of their nights out drinking and my mother was, as usual, a little too sloshed. I had been asleep in the den downstairs when they came in and I heard them arguing as they came in. I walked into the kitchen just in time to witness stepdad throwing my mother across the kitchen and she landed in a heap in the floor, where he proceeded to start kicking her as hard as he could. It was the first time in my life that I called anybody a "son-of-a-bitch" and it came out of my mouth without a thought. But it diverted his attention to me and afforded me a fat lip and a black eye.
But that experience did leave me with a definite resolve to never just lay down and take abuse from any man the way my mother had done or to ever drink enough to not be vigilant of my own safety. I was as angry with her as I was with him. Something in my young mind told me that the reason she was being abused was that she was letting him get away with it.
So the first time my first husband thought he would beat me into submission, I fought back with every ounce of my strength and definitely gave him a run for his money. And I meant what I said when I told him that if it ever happened again, I would leave and never come back. It took him another five years to try it again and that's the night that I took my precious children and left for good.
Physical abuse had never been a constant factor in my life, so it was easy to define and deal with. I wish I could say that about emotional and mental abuse. My mother was an expert in doling that out in heaping portions from the time I was born, so I wasn't able to recognize it for what it was. So I've spent the majority of my life putting myself into mentally and emotionally abusive situations. So much so that after my second divorce, I had resigned myself to single life, no longer trusting my own judgement. And so much so that when a good man came along, it literally scared me to death. And I'm not sure who I was scared for the most...myself or Ice.
See, I didn't know how to deal with a healthy relationship and a good man and I knew that I was going into this relationship with baggage that I didn't want to submit him to. But I'm continually awed and surprised by how being truly loved for the first time provides the newly found security and trust that comes along with it. All I need to learn is to take inspiration from Belle and all the others and have the courage to allow some of the buried emotions to surface and face them head on. Thank you, Belle, for reminding me of that today.
And as Ice is, at this moment, posting his latest piece of the "nowhere man", I have to say that I was amazed when I read the preview and found "inside the flame" inserted into his story, as well as the phrase,
"Our past affects our present, and sometimes predicts the future.”
So, he doesn't know that his post didn't just affect me by the genius of his writing, but by the parallel of what I was already writing about here. It's eerie in how connected we all really are in our thoughts, isn't it?
So, as I close this post, it's with a renewed determination to purge some of my own "demons" and have the courage to do it as openly as I can. I've done it in the past and can do it again.
Thank you, Belle!
Love to all!
Pup
