Finally, there is not another test to be done.  I've been scanned every way known to man in the last 3 months with each scan leaving more questions than answers.  We've driven to Dallas repeatedly and even hauled the RV down there for an entire week while I was poked, prodded and scanned from head to toe.

The results are finally in and we not only have a solid diagnosis, but a game plan.  It's been a long time coming. 

I have a Carcinoid tumor in the head of my pancreas, plus a few lymph nodes that are also involved, located in close proximity.  The surgeon says we must get what we can through surgery, possibly all.  I'm hoping that is the case because this is a very rare type tumor and is a slow growing cancer, so normal treatment regimens (chemo and radiation) are not effective since those are designed for aggressive cancers.

The game plan is to surgically remove all that he can and when, or if, anything is left behind, treat it with the "treatment of the future".....by making a vaccine from my own tumor cells that will be given back to me in 12 monthly shots.  Those shots will teach my immune system to attack the cancer cells and destroy them. 

Now, how neat is that?

So as soon as the surgeon and the team from the research center can work out the date and time that they can both be there, I'll be having the surgery.  The surgeon will take out all tumor material that he possibly can and the research team will then take possession of it, take it back to their labs and try to grow the cells into enough to make the vaccine.

Doc says that if more lymph nodes are involved that they've been able to see on the scans, he may have to just get as many of them that he can and leave the pancreas alone, then rely on the vaccine to eliminate that tumor.  He isn't sure until he actually goes in to look as to just what size the tumor is that's in my pancreas.  They (the docs) think it's fairly small because it isn't showing up on any of the scans, but a biopsy of that area has already proven to have carcinoid tumor cells.

He used the metaphore of being a mechanic.  Sometimes you can't tell enough by listening to the engine through the hood.  You just gotta pop the hood and take a look to really figure it out.

But through it all, I feel fortunate.  Number one, this was found by accident because of a nagging ache in my lower left abdomen that I wanted checked out.  It turned out to be scar tissue from a previous surgery, but during the process, "something" was discovered on my pancreas and one thing lead to another. 

Number two, this is a rare and slow growing cancer, so the success rate after removal of all known tumors is very good. 

Number three, I don't have to dread chemotherapy (been there, done that) or radiation, since it won't work for me anyway, and

Number four, I have an opportunity to truly be a "pioneer" in research into cancer treatment that I believe will eventually cure all cancers.....using our own cells, our own immune systems and genetics.  Doc says I'll be the first in this type of cancer. So, I feel special, lol.  And if that doesn't do the trick, he also said that my case is so rare and unique that he will be presenting it at some big medical conference.  That should keep me puffed up for a day or two, right? 

Anyway, I'm looking at a not-so-radical surgery and about 8 days in the hospital before they turn me loose on the world again.  But turn me loose they will, so look out world......HERE I COME!!!

And then watch me and my loving Iceman hit the road and explore the new chapter in our lives....FREEDOM.

I can't wait!!

Love to all!

Pup

What to keep....what to store....what to sell.....what to throw away.....what to give away......

The house is a wreck.  We had a "moving sale" last weekend and made lots of money, but now the house is half empty of furniture and everything is in the floor.  But we're gettin there, by George!

I'm thankful the barstools didn't sell because I realize that if they had, we wouldn't have a place to eat other than the recliners.  I watched as my desk was carted away on it's way to Dallas with a few more items, so I no longer have a place to put my computer.  Ice (he's no dummy) opted to wait on selling his desk, so he still has his "corner" complete with computer and all his "stuff".  We're sleeping on a bedstead that is already sold (except the mattress that we're taking with us).  We have three bedrooms full of furniture that is no longer ours but hasn't been taken away to the prospective new owners yet.  Yep, we're gettin there, all right!

Ice has modified the bedroom of the trailer to accomodate our Tempurpedic mattress that we positively can't live without, so all we have to do now is find some muscle to help get the monster in there.  Oh, but it will be so worth it to snuggle up in that wonderful bed with the best snuggler in the world in any location that we desire. 

Freedom........how sweet it will be!

I've given notice at work and can't wait to be free of the stress that is involved in runnning a non-profit agency.  We've decided to immediately change our phone numbers when we leave and only give it out to family and friends.  Otherwise, we will both be giving free phone consultation for probably months on end to our previous employment.  We don't plan to take the "headaches" of our jobs with us.

Our new theme song is "The Breeze" and I'm thinking about having a front license plate made that says the same.  I plan to have that song loaded in the cd player of the truck for when we finally are able to pull out of the driveway heading west toward Vegas and destinations beyond, and our new life. 

We've worked hard for this and I can't wait to turn a new page in our lives.  I plan to spend more time here at the "stream" and reporting our new adventures as much as possible since we are taking steps to take internet connectibility (and both computers) with us.  I may start a new blog or change the name of this one to.....what else?

"The Breeze"

Later, y'all!

Pup

Why Do Women Stay in Relationships Involving Domestic Violence?

 

By DeLynn Fudge

Federal Grants Division Director

Oklahoma District Attorneys Council

 

Imagine this scenario: A man asks a woman out for a date. He goes to the door to pick her up. She opens the door and he punches her in the face and says, “Now that we have that out of the way, let’s go to dinner.” According to Doug Miles, Chief Deputy District Attorney, Special Division in the Colorado Springs District Attorneys Office and a recent trainer for the District Attorneys Council, in his 22 years of prosecuting domestic violence cases, he has never seen that scenario.

 

Relationships that involve domestic violence don’t start out that way.

All relationships, even ones involving domestic violence, begin with

the same excitement and the element of hope that non-abusive ones do.

At some point, the seemingly normal relationship goes awry and violence

enters the picture. As with any pattern in a relationship, the abuse begins

and often escalates over time as do the methods used to exert power

and control over the victim.

 

But why does a woman who is being beaten stay? Why doesn’t she just

leave? Without the answers to these questions, it seems that it is difficult

for some to be understanding and/or responsive to domestic violence victims.

The development of domestic violence is a process and it is a process for

a victims to free themselves.

 

We often don’t question why it is difficult for people to overcome poverty,

to get beyond a severe drug addiction, or to cope with significant mental

health issues such as schizophrenia or major depression. We intuitively or

through education and training understand the complexities and incredible

difficulties of moving beyond or even managing these life problems. So why

is it so different for domestic violence? Why is it that there isn’t a similar

understanding for domestic violence victims as there is for others who are

coping with such significant life difficulties. It is the concept that many

attribute to domestic violence victims that she is a “willing victim”. If she

 wanted to leave, she is an adult and she could.

 

According to Miles, the answer to why she stays and doesn’t just leave is

fairly simple and yet incredibly complex. It is an odd combination of love, hope, and fear. Often, it isn’t that a woman hates the man who abuses her; she hates the abuse. She doesn’t want to end the relationship. She would just prefer the abuse stop so she can have the relationship the thought she’d have when they first met. She stays because, however briefly, she sees glimpses of the person she loves and fell in love with.

 

She is also fearful. Being beaten on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis over a long period of time has an impact. At a training, someone once asked the following question, “Why didn’t the field slaves run away from the plantation in the middle of the night while the master slept?” The immediate response from the audience was, “Because the slaves knew they would be hunted down, caught, and beaten like never before and there was a good chance of getting killed.” The psychological terrorism that domestic violence victims live with is no different.   

 

While it can be a very subtle or even an unconscious process, victims of domestic violence are often held responsible by others for the problem and the solution - which isn’t generally a standard to which others with life problems are held. It is understood that a person in poverty needs a multitude of services, a drug addict needs treatment; those with mental health issues need medication and sometimes therapy. So it is with domestic violence victims. Yet, some expect domestic violence victims to extricate themselves without the necessary support and services.

 

In an effort to understand the countless reasons why she doesn’t just leave, the following list has been developed from a number of resources including domestic violence victims and the advocates that work with them. For any particular victim, there may be one singular reason but more likely a multitude of reasons why she doesn’t leave an abusive partner. It is easy to project upon a victim that it is a simple act to leave but in many cases, it just isn’t. Research has found that the most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him.

 

As you read these reasons, consider the following: What if it isn’t just one reason, but it is 10, or 20, or even 40 of these reasons? Can we better understand the complexity and difficulty of why she doesn’t leave and begin to focus on providing the myriad of services to support her to leave?

 

100+ Reasons Women Don’t Leave Abusive Partners

 

1. Her partner says, “I will kill you” and she believes him.
2. Her partner says, “I will kill the children” and she believes him.
3. Her partner says, “I will kill myself” and she believes him.
4. Her partner says, “I will kill your family” and she believes him.
5. He has threatened to call child welfare on her and she’s fearful her children will be taken away.
6. She’s fearful of the criminal justice system in her life.
7. She’s afraid she’ll have to testify about the most difficult and painful events in her life. 
8. She’s fearful of him if she participates in filing charges.
9. She doesn’t want him to go to jail.
10. He’s the sole breadwinner and she can’t afford for him to go to jail.
11. Her partner says, “I will get custody of the children.”
12. Her partner did get custody of the children when she left before.
13. She’s fearful she’ll be accused of deserting her children if she leaves.
14. She thinks it is better for her to be beaten than her children to be beaten.
15. She thinks she can protect her children better if she is in the home rather than if her children have visitation with him alone.
16. She has stepchildren and she loves them and doesn’t want to abandon them.   
17. She feels she is protecting her stepchildren from being abused.
18. He has isolated her from family and friends and his family is the only family that she has.
19. He always keeps one or more of the children with him so she can’t leave.
20. She loves her partner.
21. She continues to hope the abuse will stop.
22. She doesn’t want to think of herself as a domestic violence victim.   
23. She doesn’t want to be perceived by others as a domestic violence victim.
24. Her partner says, “I’m sorry” and she believes him.
25. Her partner says, “I’ll never do it again” and she believes him.
26. She thinks that if he just went to counseling he would change or be cured.
27. She thinks her partner “loves” her.
28. She doesn’t think she deserves any better.
29. She doesn’t know how or where to seek help.
30. Her religious beliefs discourage her or religion encourages her to save the marriage at all costs.  
31. Mental health professionals discourage her.
32. Her family discourages her.
33. His family discourages her.
34. The children discourage her.
35. It is against her culture to disclose family issues or involve the government in family matters.
36. It is against her culture to get divorced.
37. It is against her personal beliefs to get divorced.  
38. She doesn’t have the money to get a divorce.
39. They own a business together.
40. They own property together.
41. Her partner has told her it is her fault and if she would just change he wouldn’t beat her.
42. He has told her she’s crazy, sick, hysterical and she won’t be believed.
43. She feels it is her fault and endlessly tries to change her behavior.
44. She’s a drug addict.
45. She’s an alcoholic.
46. She was a victim of physical abuse as a child and believes that violence is a normal part of a relationship.
47. She was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and believes that violence is a normal part of a relationship.
48. Her mother was a victim of domestic violence and that is what she knows.  
49. Her partner is a drug addict.
50. Her partner is an alcoholic.
51. She’s deaf.
52. She’s blind.
53. She’s mentally challenged.
54. She’s in a wheel chair.
55. She’s has other physical challenges.
56. She has mental health issues.
57. She can’t read.
58. Her health is bad and she’s fearful she can’t care for her children alone.
59. She doesn’t speak English.
60. She doesn’t have papers to be in this country.
61. A shelter isn’t available or the shelter is full.
62. The shelter is in another county.
63. There are no domestic violence support services in her area.
64. She doesn’t have transportation to get to a job.
65. She lives in a rural area and doesn’t have transportation to a shelter or access to a phone.
66. She doesn’t have a job or has few skills to get a job where she can support herself and her children.
67. He has continually damaged her employment record by harassing her at work, excessive lateness, and absenteeism and she can’t get a job. 
68. She can’t afford childcare with the job she can get.
69. She doesn’t have a place to go.
70. She doesn’t have access to cash, bank accounts, or credit cards.
71. She doesn’t have the first and last months rent or deposits for utilities.
72. She won’t have health insurance.
73. She won’t have car insurance.
74. She doesn’t have credit because he has ruined it.
75. She’s afraid she’ll become homeless.
76. She won’t be able to get any of her belongings once she leaves.
77. She’s afraid she will lose her home.
78. She’s isolated because he’s methodically driven away family and friends.
79. She’s depressed.
80. She’s embarrassed.
81. She’s overwhelmed.
82. She doesn’t think she can make it.
83. She’s afraid of being alone.
84. She’s a public figure.
85. She’s fearful of losing her job if it were found out that she was a domestic violence victim.
86. Her partner is a public figure.
87. Her partner is a law enforcement officer or some other criminal justice professional.
88. His friends are in law enforcement or other criminal justice professionals.
89. She doesn’t think that anyone will believe her husband abuses her.
90. She’s sought out help before but it got worse.
91. Law enforcement wasn’t responsive.
92. The prosecutor wasn’t responsive.  
93. The judge didn’t take her seriously.
94. She got a restraining order before in an effort to try to leave but he beat her anyway so what is the point?   
95. She doesn’t want to leave her pets.
96. Her partner tortured her pets before when she threatened to leave.
97. Her partner threatens to kill her pets if she leaves.
98. Her partner has killed her pets.
99. The children don’t want to leave their pets. 

100.    The children don’t want to leave their father.

101.    The children don’t want to leave their school.

102.    The children don’t want to leave their house and things.

103.    The children don’t want to leave their friends.

104.    She feels she should sacrifice herself so her children can have a father, a good school, a home, or financial security. 

105.    She thinks her children will be worse off if she leaves.

106.    She’s afraid of the unknown.

107.    She feels that there is no help.

108.    She is the victim and feels she shouldn’t have to leave her home.

109.    She’s tried to leave before.

110.    He has threatened her with a weapon.

111.    He harassed, threatened, stalked, and retaliated against her when she left in the past. 

112.    Her partner found her before and she knows that if she does leave the danger of more severe violence or death increases.

 

In the future, rather than asking, “Why do women stay in relationships involving domestic violence? Reframe the question and ask, “What services need to be provided to support her when she is ready to leave?”

We decided our previous choice of motorhome was too pretty to haul around (see previous post), so we have purchased this one and will be bringing it home just as soon as we can get something to haul it.  Yeah, I know that's getting the cart before the horse (pun intended), but you know how it is, right?  We're not pulling out in our new "home" for a trip until April, so we have time to sell our truck (I'm gonna miss it) and buy a heavy duty truck to haul this baby.

We looked at lots and lots of absolutely gorgeous (and out of our price range) fifth wheel trailers and feel like we made a good deal by getting a used 2005 model.  It's 38' long with plenty of Schnauzer room and room for us too!  I can't wait to get it home so that I can start changing the decor to a color more suitable to my taste.  It won't take much more than changing the curtains and re-covering those padded thingies around the windows to something not so drab.  The border around the walls can be changed too and I'm planning on doing that to match the new color scheme. 

They have it in the shop to test all plumbing, wiring and appliances, detail it and clean the carpets, so it should be ready in a few days.

We just need a volunteer to haul it home to us, lol.

But no worries, we'll get it home somehow and I can't wait til we pull out of here and leaving our jobs behind to explore new and exciting sights and opportunities.  From then on, we will be as free as our spirits and I'm so thankful to have the absolute perfect travelling companion, who is also my best friend. 

Now, we only need to start collecting addresses so we can stop in and see our fellow blogstreamers!  Anybody that wants to meet and visit, just pm your information to me and maybe we will be coming by your neck of the woods.  Or you can always pm the wrong information to me so you'll have time to move away before we get there, lol.

So Baby, crank up the truck, hook up to that baby and get ready to go.  I'll grab the dogs, a suitcase and you can take all of us for a spin.

On another subject, can you believe Barbie turns 50 this week?  The ole gal has held up pretty good, don't you think?  I think they should put out a new model that would be the true look of 50 year old Barbie with saggy boobs, 40 extra pounds, wrinkles and thinning hair with lots of gray.  Poetic justice, ain't it?

Love to all!

Pup

The air has returned to a pleasant humidity and smells of the sweet night….calm and still.

 

Almost a full blanket of puffy clouds cover the night sky , moving slowly to the north.  Soft and puffy with thicker puffs of gray moving in unison with the thinner white.  A star shines brightly through a brief opening and fades into the gray.  Another star twinkles faintly behind a thin veil, also quickly engulfed.

 

And once again as I gaze heavenward, my soul becomes akin to the peace of a southern night sky…..calm and still….

Pup