Why Do Women Stay in Relationships Involving Domestic Violence?
By DeLynn Fudge
Federal Grants Division Director
Oklahoma District Attorneys Council
Imagine this scenario: A man asks a woman out for a date. He goes to the door to pick her up. She opens the door and he punches her in the face and says, “Now that we have that out of the way, let’s go to dinner.” According to Doug Miles, Chief Deputy District Attorney, Special Division in the Colorado Springs District Attorneys Office and a recent trainer for the District Attorneys Council, in his 22 years of prosecuting domestic violence cases, he has never seen that scenario.
Relationships that involve domestic violence don’t start out that way.
All relationships, even ones involving domestic violence, begin with
the same excitement and the element of hope that non-abusive ones do.
At some point, the seemingly normal relationship goes awry and violence
enters the picture. As with any pattern in a relationship, the abuse begins
and often escalates over time as do the methods used to exert power
and control over the victim.
But why does a woman who is being beaten stay? Why doesn’t she just
leave? Without the answers to these questions, it seems that it is difficult
for some to be understanding and/or responsive to domestic violence victims.
The development of domestic violence is a process and it is a process for
a victims to free themselves.
We often don’t question why it is difficult for people to overcome poverty,
to get beyond a severe drug addiction, or to cope with significant mental
health issues such as schizophrenia or major depression. We intuitively or
through education and training understand the complexities and incredible
difficulties of moving beyond or even managing these life problems. So why
is it so different for domestic violence? Why is it that there isn’t a similar
understanding for domestic violence victims as there is for others who are
coping with such significant life difficulties. It is the concept that many
attribute to domestic violence victims that she is a “willing victim”. If she
wanted to leave, she is an adult and she could.
According to Miles, the answer to why she stays and doesn’t just leave is
fairly simple and yet incredibly complex. It is an odd combination of love, hope, and fear. Often, it isn’t that a woman hates the man who abuses her; she hates the abuse. She doesn’t want to end the relationship. She would just prefer the abuse stop so she can have the relationship the thought she’d have when they first met. She stays because, however briefly, she sees glimpses of the person she loves and fell in love with.
She is also fearful. Being beaten on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis over a long period of time has an impact. At a training, someone once asked the following question, “Why didn’t the field slaves run away from the plantation in the middle of the night while the master slept?” The immediate response from the audience was, “Because the slaves knew they would be hunted down, caught, and beaten like never before and there was a good chance of getting killed.” The psychological terrorism that domestic violence victims live with is no different.
While it can be a very subtle or even an unconscious process, victims of domestic violence are often held responsible by others for the problem and the solution - which isn’t generally a standard to which others with life problems are held. It is understood that a person in poverty needs a multitude of services, a drug addict needs treatment; those with mental health issues need medication and sometimes therapy. So it is with domestic violence victims. Yet, some expect domestic violence victims to extricate themselves without the necessary support and services.
In an effort to understand the countless reasons why she doesn’t just leave, the following list has been developed from a number of resources including domestic violence victims and the advocates that work with them. For any particular victim, there may be one singular reason but more likely a multitude of reasons why she doesn’t leave an abusive partner. It is easy to project upon a victim that it is a simple act to leave but in many cases, it just isn’t. Research has found that the most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him.
As you read these reasons, consider the following: What if it isn’t just one reason, but it is 10, or 20, or even 40 of these reasons? Can we better understand the complexity and difficulty of why she doesn’t leave and begin to focus on providing the myriad of services to support her to leave?
100+ Reasons Women Don’t Leave Abusive Partners
- Her partner says, “I will kill you” and she believes him.
- Her partner says, “I will kill the children” and she believes him.
- Her partner says, “I will kill myself” and she believes him.
- Her partner says, “I will kill your family” and she believes him.
- He has threatened to call child welfare on her and she’s fearful her children will be taken away.
- She’s fearful of the criminal justice system in her life.
- She’s afraid she’ll have to testify about the most difficult and painful events in her life.
- She’s fearful of him if she participates in filing charges.
- She doesn’t want him to go to jail.
- He’s the sole breadwinner and she can’t afford for him to go to jail.
- Her partner says, “I will get custody of the children.”
- Her partner did get custody of the children when she left before.
- She’s fearful she’ll be accused of deserting her children if she leaves.
- She thinks it is better for her to be beaten than her children to be beaten.
- She thinks she can protect her children better if she is in the home rather than if her children have visitation with him alone.
- She has stepchildren and she loves them and doesn’t want to abandon them.
- She feels she is protecting her stepchildren from being abused.
- He has isolated her from family and friends and his family is the only family that she has.
- He always keeps one or more of the children with him so she can’t leave.
- She loves her partner.
- She continues to hope the abuse will stop.
- She doesn’t want to think of herself as a domestic violence victim.
- She doesn’t want to be perceived by others as a domestic violence victim.
- Her partner says, “I’m sorry” and she believes him.
- Her partner says, “I’ll never do it again” and she believes him.
- She thinks that if he just went to counseling he would change or be cured.
- She thinks her partner “loves” her.
- She doesn’t think she deserves any better.
- She doesn’t know how or where to seek help.
- Her religious beliefs discourage her or religion encourages her to save the marriage at all costs.
- Mental health professionals discourage her.
- Her family discourages her.
- His family discourages her.
- The children discourage her.
- It is against her culture to disclose family issues or involve the government in family matters.
- It is against her culture to get divorced.
- It is against her personal beliefs to get divorced.
- She doesn’t have the money to get a divorce.
- They own a business together.
- They own property together.
- Her partner has told her it is her fault and if she would just change he wouldn’t beat her.
- He has told her she’s crazy, sick, hysterical and she won’t be believed.
- She feels it is her fault and endlessly tries to change her behavior.
- She’s a drug addict.
- She’s an alcoholic.
- She was a victim of physical abuse as a child and believes that violence is a normal part of a relationship.
- She was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and believes that violence is a normal part of a relationship.
- Her mother was a victim of domestic violence and that is what she knows.
- Her partner is a drug addict.
- Her partner is an alcoholic.
- She’s deaf.
- She’s blind.
- She’s mentally challenged.
- She’s in a wheel chair.
- She’s has other physical challenges.
- She has mental health issues.
- She can’t read.
- Her health is bad and she’s fearful she can’t care for her children alone.
- She doesn’t speak English.
- She doesn’t have papers to be in this country.
- A shelter isn’t available or the shelter is full.
- The shelter is in another county.
- There are no domestic violence support services in her area.
- She doesn’t have transportation to get to a job.
- She lives in a rural area and doesn’t have transportation to a shelter or access to a phone.
- She doesn’t have a job or has few skills to get a job where she can support herself and her children.
- He has continually damaged her employment record by harassing her at work, excessive lateness, and absenteeism and she can’t get a job.
- She can’t afford childcare with the job she can get.
- She doesn’t have a place to go.
- She doesn’t have access to cash, bank accounts, or credit cards.
- She doesn’t have the first and last months rent or deposits for utilities.
- She won’t have health insurance.
- She won’t have car insurance.
- She doesn’t have credit because he has ruined it.
- She’s afraid she’ll become homeless.
- She won’t be able to get any of her belongings once she leaves.
- She’s afraid she will lose her home.
- She’s isolated because he’s methodically driven away family and friends.
- She’s depressed.
- She’s embarrassed.
- She’s overwhelmed.
- She doesn’t think she can make it.
- She’s afraid of being alone.
- She’s a public figure.
- She’s fearful of losing her job if it were found out that she was a domestic violence victim.
- Her partner is a public figure.
- Her partner is a law enforcement officer or some other criminal justice professional.
- His friends are in law enforcement or other criminal justice professionals.
- She doesn’t think that anyone will believe her husband abuses her.
- She’s sought out help before but it got worse.
- Law enforcement wasn’t responsive.
- The prosecutor wasn’t responsive.
- The judge didn’t take her seriously.
- She got a restraining order before in an effort to try to leave but he beat her anyway so what is the point?
- She doesn’t want to leave her pets.
- Her partner tortured her pets before when she threatened to leave.
- Her partner threatens to kill her pets if she leaves.
- Her partner has killed her pets.
- The children don’t want to leave their pets.
100. The children don’t want to leave their father.
101. The children don’t want to leave their school.
102. The children don’t want to leave their house and things.
103. The children don’t want to leave their friends.
104. She feels she should sacrifice herself so her children can have a father, a good school, a home, or financial security.
105. She thinks her children will be worse off if she leaves.
106. She’s afraid of the unknown.
107. She feels that there is no help.
108. She is the victim and feels she shouldn’t have to leave her home.
109. She’s tried to leave before.
110. He has threatened her with a weapon.
111. He harassed, threatened, stalked, and retaliated against her when she left in the past.
112. Her partner found her before and she knows that if she does leave the danger of more severe violence or death increases.
In the future, rather than asking, “Why do women stay in relationships involving domestic violence? Reframe the question and ask, “What services need to be provided to support her when she is ready to leave?”