I've spent a reflective day, somewhat out of sorts, but thankful that I had one more day before I go back to the grind of a work week. I was dreading it so badly that I made myself go to that nagging thing in the back of my thoughts that I have kept at bay for a long time....getting it out to look at it just briefly, even going a little further sometimes, but never far enough, then cramming it back to the back, knowing all along that it would have to be addressed sooner or later. Well, I realized today that for my own good and peace of mind that I had to drag it out once more and finally give it the attention that is demanded or pay the consequences. And to insure my resolve, I just made it my New Year's resolution.
Is it a deep dark secret or some terrible truth about me? No, it isn't. It's just something that has been a part of me all my life and I've been "running" from since I had the first inkling of realization that it was a problem. It's called Attention Deficit Disorder.
For such a commonly discussed and recognized thing these days, it seems pretty stupid not to have seriously addressed it before, but we humans, and me in particular can be pretty stubborn about the "real" problem sometimes and spend all our time treating symptoms rather than the true cause. Why do we do that? Ya got me!
Of course, when I was a child, it was unheard of and yet to be discovered. So kids like me were just chalked up as "dumb" or an underachiever. We were all measured by the same yardstick back then, ya know. There was no such thing as focusing on each childs learning abilities or the lack of. You were either smart or not, no explanation. So we just believe whatever label we are assigned at an early age, usually not questioning the label itself, just believing we're dumb or lazy, of which (I eventually figured out) I am neither. I am, however, extremely overwhelmed.
I first heard of "Hyperactivity" when my sister's kids were diagnosed with the disorder and it made sense to me then why my sister was so "hyper" as a child. Okay, so they had a problem. But I was never "hyper" as a child, so I just figured the problem had skipped me genetically. I dismissed it as "somebody else's problem". Then a few years ago, I head the term ADHD, which is Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Something about the attention deficit thing got my attention when I happened to read the symptoms, but again, I didn't investigate any further because I was never, and still not "hyper". In fact, I'm on the low energy level side. But I kept that niggling thought in the back of my mind that the attention deficit thing fit me to a tee. And I could see the same symptoms not only in my sister, but in my Dad.
A couple of years ago, I dug the old niggling thought back out and took it to the internet to briefly check it out again and actually paid attention long enough to learn that ADHD are actually lumped together but not actually the same thing. However they are caused by the same problem and therefore treated with the same medicines. Okay, so I CAN be attention deficit without being hyper. But..........when I speed read through some of the symptoms, I once again jumped to the conclusion that it just couldn't apply to me because I COULD focus on one thing at a time, to the point that I couldn't acknowledge anything else going on around me, such as reading a book, or a project at work, if distractions were kept to a minimum or nonexistant. So, to the back of my head the thought was banished once again.
But! There's always a but, isn't there? I still have major problems with focusing on anything if there is anything going on around me and the symptoms of the attention deficit disorder just kept proving to me that I had the problem. Well, today I decided to drag it out and address it again, because not only the inability to focus is a major problem for me in all areas of my life, but also the ABILITY to focus to the max. So I went to a reputable web site and decided to stick it out to the end, even tho I was speed reading within a minute and skipping around all over the particular article written by a doctor. As my eyes scanned the tops of each paragraph at random, I made myself focus on one paragraph that ended up blowing my mind. In it was the word "hyperfocus" and the description of it and a light bulb went off in my head! Aha!
Well, this is what I learned about "hyperfocusing". It is NOT a symptom of ADD. It is a learned self-coping method for many ADD people. Well, blow me down! It was there all along......I just couldn't focus long enough to get it. And I'm glad I did finally get it, because I have come to the point that to focus at all, I am hyperfocusing constantly. To the point that it is physically hard for me to STOP focusing on something long enough to focus on even Ice coming through the kitchen and asking me a simple question. And it answers why I get so irritated at the slightest distraction and why it is so hard for me to then re-focus on what I was hyperfocused on in the first place. It's exhausting! And it makes for a hell of a lot of stress, which is also exhausting.
I realize that I have been "coping" with this my entire life, but getting older and slower has really brought it to an extreme level for me. And realizing that although I love my family and my husband, I have increasingly been irritable and less approachable because frankly, I'm so overwhelmed most of the time that I simply don't have the mental stamina to handle it all. It has caught up with me because I simply don't have the energy anymore to constantly put up that false facade that everything is okay even when I'm going crazy inside.
So, since life is not going to change around me, I have to make a change. My coping skills are not working any more or have gotten so extreme that they are causing me as much problem as the ADD, so it's time to wave the little white flag and see the doctor. It's my resolution and I've shared it with you all now, so I can't shove it to the back of my mind any more. And I ask myself, what do I have to lose? And also, what was I so afraid of? I've faced a lot more difficult problems than this, right? Right! I'll call the doctor tomorrow. So, One less niggling item floating around in the back of this old noggin. Mental house cleaning is good.
