Hey, yesterday was fun, clicking away from one blog to another, trying to keep up with the fellow blogsters in what amounted to a spontaneous and impromptu explosion of "comments gone wild". Thanks to Ice, Debumkem, Scratch, Stalker, Wally, Mrs. God and everybody else that contributed. It was a hoot.
I watched that movie "Pay It Forward" last night which I had never seen all the way through before. The scene that started my waterworks flowing was when Helen Hunt searched out Angie Dickenson (her mother) and forgave her (in a nutshell) for not being a good mother. Of course, everything was just peachy after that moment, between them at least.
What I wouldn't give for a moment like that!
So, your wondering, am I referring to the mother or the daughter? Both, I guess. That scene prompted the old familiar longing to be able to have a relationship with my mother. To be able to have one of those life changing heart to hearts they portray in the movies and everything be okay. But this is the real world and let's face it....it's not likely to happen.
But what if it could?
See, therein lies the kicker. That question that always nags at me, even after 50 years of being proven otherwise. Every few years, I test the waters, thinking maybe...just maybe we can salvage what's left of our lives and be able to share it peacefully and actually enjoy each other. It never works.
So why do I continue to let it haunt me? Because I can't fix my mother. I can't take away the hurt and frustration and anger that was a part of her long before I was born. She takes it out on everybody, not just her family. She is the most miserable human being I have ever known and no matter how much I want to, I simply can't fix it for her.
It's hard to see the heart of someone that you have to defend yourself against, which has always been the case with her, but I still do. I remember being berated as a child because I "didn't love her" and everything I did or didn't do seemed to prove her point. I couldn't win. Nobody could. I realized later, as an adult, that she couldn't love herself, therefore she rejected it from others. I wish she could realize that her constant complaints of being unloved are actually her efforts to push us away. I wish I could stop seeing the hurt behind the anger.
She lives 300 miles away and is in very poor health. She's old and sick and alone....and that haunts me. Everyone tells me I shouldn't let it bother me, that she's brought it all on herself. She's devious and manipulating and will do almost anything to drive wedges between members of her own family. It's almost as if she has some demon that can't stand loving relationships. I've never understood her and have given up on thinking I ever will.
As a parent, I was scared to death of being a bad mother. I had an extensive list of what not to do, but I lacked knowledge on what to do, which was a definite handicap. As I look back, I know that I have always been just a little distant to my kids. I didn't want them to ever think I didn't love them. It was just that since I wasn't so sure what to do or say sometimes, I just didn't do or say anything. I'd rather do nothing than do the wrong thing. So, as a mother, I realize that I need their forgiveness too.
I pray that my mother finds peace sometime before she leaves this life, because whether she likes it or not..... I do love her.
Happy Halloween, everybody. :)
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